English to English-Ish Version 2 Translator

Remake of an original translator of mine.

What language is this man speaking? It's English!... ish...
Yup. This is English, but a very strange amalgamated form of English. Who knows where this came from. For all I know it could've been made by some gay ass linux using teenager who is currently listing to BoyWithUke. Regardless, we need to figure out what the ever living fuck this man is saying.

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